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Advice, Features

Ask a Sexologist: Threesomes, male lesbians, and tears

Our resident sexologist Richelle Menzies answers more of your sex and sexuality questions.

Unicorn hunting

My husband and I have been together for seven years. Other than the odd threesome, we have had an entirely monogamous relationship, by agreement, and it works for us.

Our sex life runs the gamut from vanilla to hardcore. In the afterglow of a night in our play space, we have often discussed having someone join us for one of our more full-on evenings. And there ends the discussion most of the time.

The question is, how do we do it? Neither of us use apps. Before COVID-19, we went to the odd fetish night, but more to see friends.

I can’t imagine just walking up to a man we both like the look of and saying “Hey, do you feel like putting your hand in my husband?”

So, how do we do it, and how do we discuss with whomever we bring in that it’s just a special guest appearance and not more?

– Kinky Couple

Hello Kinky Couple,

I think the approach of walking up to someone you don’t know outside of a kink or queer event would be fascinating to watch unfold – their reaction would be priceless.

But you are right, it is not what most people would do. For a third to join a scene or hard play there is often quite a bit of negotiation beforehand, either in person or online.

So, where do you find this third?

Kink or BDSM parties would be the obvious choice but are certainly not an option at the moment.

Apps are another, but as you say, not something you are familiar with.

There are other online options, such as kink websites like Fetlife or Facebook groups.

These are places where you can look at conversations, see if there are people you find interesting, and ask if you can send them a message.

The next step is negotiation. This is to discuss what type of play they may be interested in or that you are offering, and to get to know them a bit better, learn their hard and soft limits and availability, and work out logistics.

This is where you are very clear on boundaries: this is just about play and nothing more.

I think you will find many people in this community are accustomed to these types of conversations and will respect the honesty about boundaries.

Transitioning identity

I’m a trans guy who is partway through my medical transition. I’ve been part of the queer community for years before coming out as trans.

I have long identified as a lesbian, and the fact that I’m attracted to women hasn’t changed. This is a big part of my identity, but few people seem to be able to accept me as a male lesbian.

I don’t feel like I’m suddenly heterosexual. Is it okay for me to continue thinking of myself as a lesbian?

– In a Bind

Dear In a Bind,

Internally, you can think of yourself however you like. But you may find that others will not see you that way because you are not a woman.

Many trans men I know who feel like you, not quite straight, will use other terms to describe themselves, such as queer, or no term at all – there are no rules.

For some people during transition, their attraction changes, and for others it does not.

Because their gender has changed, the term other people use about their identity will change based on the dynamics of the relationship: from same-gender attraction (homosexual) to other-gender attraction (heterosexual), even if the partner is the same person.

It is really up to you how you identify; this can be fluid or constant.

The other thing to consider is the person you are attracted to.

Because you are a man, even if they were in the relationship before your transition, how they view themselves may change as well.

Many lesbians in this situation also don’t feel heterosexual and may identify as queer or pan or still as lesbian.

Identity is very personal. You do you, identify how you wish, and explain in your own words what it means to you.

Sometimes language has not kept up with how we feel, and it may take time to find a term that works for you and others.

Moved to tears

When I have an intense great orgasm, I have tears. My last boyfriend was really freaked out by it, and my current boyfriend is concerned too.

I have the tears, but to me, they are joyous because it was so good. I wipe the tears and smile. It’s great! It doesn’t leave them feeling good though.

Is this okay?

– Fears for Tears

Hello Fears for Tears,

This is certainly okay. Tears of joy are not unusual when we have intense emotions.

Sex can sometimes bring people to tears due to the overwhelm of pleasure and emotions.

It can be purely emotional, based on the connection we feel, or it can also be physical but not pain-related, especially with some sexual activities such as fisting.

It is important to let sexual partners know this is something that may happen for you and to have a sign so that they know the difference between happy tears and those based in pain or less pleasurable emotions.

Explain to them that it is an emotional release and something for them not to be concerned about, that they have not hurt you and you will let them know if it is otherwise.

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